+1 and the Lies of Omission

As I sit here 2 days post the birth of my second child, and scanning the paper for holiday offers of 2-for-1 vasectomies and hoping the offer is good for me to use them both, I am reflecting on the lies of omission committed in the name of polite, social celebration of second children.

Take greeting cards, for instance.  Greeting cards come laden with words like "sweet," "adorable," "bundle of joy" and "precious."  While aptly describing the baby in the singular and in it's more serene moments, I feel the cards need a bit of updating:

• Enjoy you're new little vampire that drinks your sleep instead of human blood! (OK, maybe that can work for the first child as well.)
• Congratulations, it's WAAAYY harder with two!
• Child #2:  This time, you don't get naps!
• Man, put down the beer and get off the couch, it's man-to-man coverage now!
• It's not child*2 = work^2 = sleep/child^2, enjoy! (For you math types.)
• THIS time when you swear, there is an older child to repeat it.
• Two words: Alternating sleep.

For those nifty Mylar balloons, perhaps instead of a baby buggy, or teddy bear, or flowery bassinet; a huge, floating, bloodshot eye with the words "THIS IS YOU!" would be more appropriate, or a coffee cup with the words "Your new best friend," or any of the above greeting card slogans in helium form.

I know, I know, this is just a phase, and this, too, will pass.  Think of how great the older one is (or was before this one came along,) etc., etc, blah, blah, blah.  Look, writing is my catharsis, to shut up and LET ME HAVE THIS!!  (As I told my wife as she was doubting she could get through the labor, "Honey, I am going out for a beer."  I mean, "You can do this, and you don't really have a choice.")

Oh, and for you parents up with your first child, you have my sympathy, but let me be the first to tell you as I hand you a giant, blood-shot eye balloon, "It's waaayy harder with two!"  (And for my friends with 4-7 children, you are saints!)

And now, please be distracted with some pictures:

"OK Erica, ready to destroy these fools?"

"Mommy and Daddy, I OWN you!!"

"Daddy, I got this virus just for you!"